For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to really get my life together and become just the best version of myself. I had a plan to wake up at 5:45, workout, get ready for school, eat a nutritious breakfast, then, pack my nutritious lunch, head to school, go home and study, make a healthy dinner, relax, sleep, and do it all over.
…This worked for about the first four days.
The funny thing was: I was working after school so I didn’t even have that much time. I would end up sleeping at 11 but as soon as my alarm went off, boom, up and at em. Now I sleep as early as possible, usually around 10 or so and I can barely get myself up to turn off my alarm, before heading back to sleep.
I’m not sure what it was that caused me to lose my motivation; I know it’s not that I don’t remember how good it felt to wake up that early. I really, really do want to follow that same routine again, even if it may seem repetitive it wouldn’t actually be the same every day. The nights before I wake up, I set my alarm and say, “I really will wake up tomorrow and go workout, I miss it.” It hasn’t happened in two weeks. I’m just so tired for some reason, I know I’ll only get over the slump if I really just force myself, but I keep telling myself “Sleep is important for your body too.” Obviously, my very tired self ends up listening.
I’ve not completely fallen off track; it’s just little things that I haven’t fully been able to conquer yet. I’m still very proud of what I do get to accomplish with the time I have. Slowly I feel myself getting there. I’d rather have it come naturally and my mind ends up learning how to reach that point instead of rushing it but the second I fall off the routine again, I’m not sure how to pick up where I left off.
I have points where I’m like wow she’s really pretty and then get disappointed in the camera. Or I’ll have moments where I get dressed and I love it but then, I’m forced to put a jacket over before heading to school so I don’t get dress coded and when I see myself I’m like “Wow, I look horrible.” It confuses me because when I leave my house I’m feeling like the best person every but the second I walk into school and see everyone else, the feeling is gone.
In quarantine, it was so easy to embrace a new lifestyle because you can explore these new interests, and hobbies, and styles, in the comfort of your home so that when you go out, you already feel comfortable and ready for it. I’m not sure exactly what happened with me. I felt comfortable with it in my home; then, I went out in public and felt comfortable with it there; and finally, I go to school and the comfort is completely gone. It might be the fact that the people know me, or I can’t just tell myself that what they think doesn’t matter because I’ll never see them again… although in about two more years that will probably be the case. No one even says anything bad to me about what I’m wearing; I actually get compliments on them but by that point, I’ve already talked myself down enough to not let their opinion change much of how I feel.
I have decided, though, to not change my style, unless it’s actually my own personal, artistic choice, rather than because I want to feel more comfortable at school so I’ll just dress in a regular skirt and jeans to know I won’t get judged. All I believe that will do is reinstall in my brain that you should change in order to feel less judged. I chose the style I have now because of the way it made me feel before, I don’t want to lose either of those things just because I feel different from the environment I’m in at the moment.
I know for right now, I’ve got my life together as much as I can, at this specific moment. I would be less lenient with myself if I began to fully give up and did not want to work towards that goal I set for myself just because I failed a few times. I know I’m fully capable of living the lifestyle I’ve set up for myself I just need to create the right habits in my mind to get there in a way where I don’t have to sacrifice other parts of my life, like sleep or schoolwork. I’m still learning how to get there and that’s okay; I’ve got all the time in the world so I’m not super worried about what I did and didn’t get to do today, or yesterday, or even what I won’t be able to do tomorrow.